Women Without Men

This week’s post is written by our dear friend

Alivia Duran

. She’s a Base Member, and the author of

Growth Patterns

. Alivia lives in Austin, TX and spends her time writing, reading, and riding her bike hundreds of miles all around the city.

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I was enthralled with the blue, soulful stories of Murakami’s book, Men Without Women. Without the energetic feminine in their lives, the bleak stories of these men felt haunting and sad. 

When I look around my own life, I see strong women. They give unconditionally and care deeply. They keep families together while running businesses and changing diapers. They build friendships and communities. They balance demanding careers and full social lives. And so many of these women are doing it alone—without men to support them in traditional, expected ways.

I see girlfriends now in their 40s with high-influence careers, happier to be single than to “settle” for a relationship that doesn’t add value to their already full lives. I have a friend who, despite having the marriage she always dreamed of, feels incredibly alone due to the lack of emotional connection with her husband. My grandmother, who chose to stay in a marriage from another era that most would not consider emotionally fulfilling, is one of the happiest and most content women I know. Single girlfriends who are thriving in all other aspects of their lives feel stalled when it comes to dating and romantic relationships. They would love to have a partner but find it challenging to meet and connect with men who are ready to engage at an emotional, spiritual, and intellectual level.

The older I get, the more I see how women quietly run the world. The emotional depth and understanding that a feminine perspective can bring are unmatched. Women are a powerful force. The saying, "Behind every powerful man is a good woman," is not untrue. But could we also say, "Behind every powerful woman is a good man"?

For many women, relationships and dating dynamics have become complicated. There’s been a massive shift in women’s roles in society and the economy. Education rates for women are surpassing those of men. Women are earning more than ever, and we now have the ability to easily finance our independent lives. (Fun fact: It was only as recently as the 1970s that a woman could even get her own mortgage.)

This socio-economic power shift has empowered women in many needed ways and created a new class of modern women who are empowered, strong and driven—but sometimes a little lonely. Maybe the loneliness isn’t new, but it’s manifested in different ways.

In a culture where many women don’t need men to meet their base needs as providers and supporters, what does it look like to find and maintain a healthy relationship? In our hierarchy of needs—from physical to self-actualization—when base needs are met, the minimum criteria for a partner to enter an already comfortable life rise exponentially. In what ways do women want men to show up? What are men looking for? Has that changed over time?

On the flip side, you could also say that men don’t truly need women. With modern technology, it’s incredibly easy to satisfy yourself independently—and in isolation. You can live in a curated studio with a little houseplant to care for, talk to your therapist over Zoom about your deepest feelings, order the best meals delivered to your doorstep, enjoy your daily walk outdoors with a podcast playing in your AirPods, and find outlets for your sexual needs through readily available porn and hookups with strangers.

Life has so little friction now that we don’t need each other. But we do need each other. So badly. The deep desire for connection and intimacy with a partner remains, for most.

I would hypothesize that many men don’t know how to show up in a way that women truly desire. To further complicate matters, many women don’t truly know what they want in a modern relationship—or how to communicate that to men.

So it’s complicated, sure. Needs and desires have shifted. Cultural norms are evolving, as they always do. But amidst these changes, some fundamental things remain the same.

Despite a shifting landscape of gender dynamics, our innate tendencies towards masculine and feminine energies have not changed.

Masculine energy is traditionally associated with strength, assertiveness, action, and achievement. Feminine energy encompasses nurturing, creativity, emotional openness, and intuition. Both energies exist within both men and women—and need to be balanced. When these energies are in balance, they can create harmony and depth in relationships. However, when they are out of balance or misunderstood, relationships can feel haunting and sad, like the men in Murakami’s stories.

Shifts in gender roles have significantly influenced how these energies are expressed, but relationships thrive when there is a balance of energies. Women stepping into traditionally masculine roles might find themselves tapping into their masculine energy more often. Many women have had to over-index on their masculine energy to support themselves and find it challenging to step away from the “doing” mode. For example, a woman might thrive in her masculine energy in her career but desire to rest in her feminine energy at home. A relationship with a secure man who can bring his own masculine energy into the relationship can enable a woman to lean into her own feminine—bringing balance and harmony at an individual level and in the relationship.

Conversely, men might struggle with expressing their feminine energy in a society that highly values (but at the same time criticizes) masculinity. Instead of being empowered to embrace their innate get-sh*t-done tendencies, many men have been told they need to tone down their masculinity. If a man leans too far out of his masculine and becomes passive, his partner may feel the need to compensate and find herself drained.

A healthy relationship enables each partner to lean into both their respective masculine and feminine energies at different times. This means creating space for your partner to express these innate tendencies. An imbalance can create tension and misunderstanding.

We are designed to live in relationship with each other—a healthy relationship is a powerful force.

I often hear the question, "Where have the good men gone?" or the disparaging statement, "There are no good guys out there; they’re all already taken." Personally, I don’t believe this. I’m not here to blame men or write a feminist manifesto about why women don’t need men.

Relationships are deeply personal and nuanced. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Some women do want a traditional dynamic and have found it. Some women may thrive as the traditional breadwinner of the family with a man who can provide deep emotional support. Many couples have found a partnership of fairness, where household and financial responsibilities are a 50-50 split.

Healthy one-on-one relationships are the foundation for healthy families, and healthy families are a building block of strong communities. In a world where isolating independence is becoming the norm, strong relationships need to be elevated and valued.

I want to see men showing up for the women in my life, making them feel safe, loved, and cared for. I want to see the men in my life finding amazing women who love them, respect them, and support them.

Ultimately, the question isn’t where all the good men have gone, but how we, as strong women, can create space to allow men to show up for us. How can men learn to lead and support in ways that honor and respect our receiving natures?

Powerful relationships are not built by putting one’s own needs first or trying to conform to outdated roles. They are forged through mutual elevation of the other and respect, creating space for both partners to fully step into who God created them to be.